Sta.sh
'Mother, tell me again about the sun.'
She pauses scraping the stretched hide,
thinks. So many images she could give, in words
he wouldn't understand – golden, sunrise, light.
Her son was born to cold darkness, has never seen
the sun, animals in clouds, gods in the midnight sky.
Some days, what she misses most is the sky,
more than electricity, than fresh tomatoes, than sun-
shine. The white tails of planes created scenes
of foreign adventure, when only thunderheads could hide
the horizon and the day produced its own light.
Now the horizon chokes on ash and she on useless words.
She never lets him see her cry when her words
become ghosts, unable to puncture the thick sky
and rest peacefully. She has nightmares about the light
from each subatomic explosion that burnt out the sun,
and she's haunted by a notion that there's nowhere to hide,
nowhere to run from the nuclear eyes of God and not be seen.
Before the years of winter, she and his father had seen
mankind linked with hopeful smiles, singing words
of peace against rumors of war. But then Jekyll died and Hyde
screamed on TV for righteous fire to drop from the sky
on adversaries. So once she knew she carried their son,
they left the city's fluorescents for dusty forest light.
The boy was born in dark blue night, during the last light
rain before embers clogged the clouds. She hadn't seen
the smoke from distant fires, still pictured the sun
in his world. She cried later, realizing she had no words
for this life she'd given him – seven years of darkened sky,
barren earth, and a baby blanket made of animal hide.
She will tell the story of apocalypse – it can't hide
forever – but he's only five now, his pale body still light
enough to carry, amused by her accounts of the starry sky.
One day his father will show him skeletal cities he has never seen
and she will use new stories to teach him the words
of their past, his legacy. For now, she will tell him of the sun.
'Nothing could hide it; it was the biggest fire you've ever seen
times one-hundred. Its light touched everything. There are many words
you will understand when it returns to the sky: Golden defines sun.'
| Deviant Login | Shop | Join deviantART for FREE  |
Take the Tour  |
I thought they worked just fine. I like repetition in poetry, even if it is very strong and obvious. "Too obvious" is a taste thing, I think. They added a nice continuing thematic element to the piece.
2. Does the subject and story of the poem work with the form and the poem itself?
Yes. It has a nice structure to it visually. To me, it invokes a sort of daydreaming feel, which is exactly what the mother seems to be doing.
3. Are there parts that are too wordy and unnecessary?
While I think it does add to the feel of the story, the stanza
The boy was born in dark blue night, during the last light
rain before embers clogged the clouds. She hadn't seen
the smoke from distant fires, still pictured the sun
in his world. She cried later, realizing she had no words
for this life she'd given him – seven years of darkened sky,
barren earth, and a baby blanket made of animal hide.
seems to me a bit disjointed. Perhaps it is the bulky alliteration of "clogged the clouds" or the difficulty of "baby blanket made of animal hide." That could just be my weird speaking ability, though.
4. Do you get a good sense of what the poem is about?
I think one would have to be rather catatonic not to understand it. The subject matter was very clearly portrayed. There is symbolism, but not for the main theme.
5. Any images or thoughts generated by reading this poem.
It made me a bit emotional by the end as it reminded me of a song I know about nuclear war that is very sad. Your imagery is fantastic; your descriptive words are well-placed.
6. General critique and comments
I have been sharing this with everyone I'm talking to at the moment. It is just so... powerful. If I had to describe it in one word, it would be 'powerful.' Excellent.
I find repeating words to never take away from a poem's strength. At worst, it causes no effect at all. Perhaps, though, it's the concept themselves, not the choices of words that cause the repeating.
2. Does the subject and story of the poem work with the form and the poem itself?
I would say so. It is nearing towards over-explanation, but that isn't to say it's overly wordy. I think it's very suitable to have a current form of poetry (Open form that appears fixed) for such a current topic. Perhaps it is even topical, however. Which would lead to the threat of it becoming out of date. Or even worse, prophetic.
3. Are there parts that are too wordy and unnecessary?
I honestly find the dictation and word choice to near the peak of splendorous. A mother who, almost in a surreal fashion, recalls the beauties of the Earth that came before, yearnings of a future apocalypse.
I even enjoy the line: But then Jekyll died and Hyde
screamed on TV for righteous fire to drop from the sky. And would say it serves correct vocabulary for this day and age.
4. Do you get a good sense of what the poem is about?
Yes, I do. Almost too much. Your explanation almost borderlines on prose. Still poetic, although. There are no real implications, it calls straight-out what the topic is, and the response to said topic. I feel as though that takes away from it.
5. Any images or thoughts generated by reading this poem
Many, some of them I have seen hundreds of times throughout different texts and media displays, the threat of Nuclear War, the consequences of it. But there is also newly developed imagery throughout the poem too, I particularly like the child being used symbolically as innocence, or more specific, the baby blanket made of animal hide
6. General critique and comments
Golden defines sun.
With the very end lines, I can, with confidence, say that alludes to Robert Frost's "Nothing Gold Can Stay". With such an allusion in mind, the poem can be see as almost a modern day Rapture, paradoxically.
But that's what I enjoy about this poem, it has refined aesthetic, yet still is hauntingly twenty-first century.
Well-deserving of it's Daily Deviation.
The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork
Please sign up or login to post a critique.