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i.
Coupons and sales magazines
have become more than just junk mail
and the holes in my pants
seem more patchable
and I wonder just how much
my sparse jewelry would fetch
if I said I saw the face of Jesus
in the glimmer of my pearls.

ii.
I am beginning to miss the sea I grew up on
so much that I will read bad poetry
just for the mention of a salty ocean breeze.
I feel landlocked and sometimes I'm afraid
that I will never see the world
until I have retired from it.

iii.
Faith says her life is full of asking.
I wish mine were full of answers,
but I too have many questions
and only Time will answer them for me.

iv.
My mother just turned sixty
and her eyes when she looks at herself
in pictures from the '70s
makes me realize
that my time, however long,
is short.
I almost apologize for my new-found love for section poems, but not quite. The title is not very good, and I'm sorry, but it's a shortened version of what was the end line, which I decided was too obvious to be in the poem, and, you know, a title is all the narrative structure a poem needs and such, so there. I am, however, open to suggestions. :)

Let me know if...
1. You understand how each bit fits with the over-arching theme, and what the over-arching theme is
2. If I should take out the first stanza
3. If you like the ending as it is.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2013-04-20
Twenty: I'm afraid I'm growing old by ~oracle-of-nonsense is relevant to anybody turning two decades old and feeling the brunt of a dose of reality. As the suggester says: I love the closing line on this piece. It's haunting and keeps me coming back to read it over and over again. ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by Nichrysalis )
:icondarkallegiance666:
I like writing critiques on either poems that I really like - in which case they don't need a critique, or on poems that I think are worthwhile but need some work, and also on poems that I disagree with. Yours, unfortunately, falls into the first category.

I really like this poem. Twenty certainly seems far too young to be thinking about these things & feeling in the way that the poet sets out, but all these emotions are true and real, and they read as very honest writing. I love honest writing.

Perhaps I'll just stick to answering the three questions that you asked, and if you don't like that, you can always deny the critique!! :D

1. You understand how each bit fits with the over-arching theme, and what the over-arching theme is.

Yes, I do. You also provide imaginative solutions to problems which you may not yet be facing, like selling your jewellery (I'm Australian & we spell "jewelry" different), if you create bizarre stories for each piece. You also remind me of a time when junk mail started to mean something, although junk mail was barely invented when I was a teenager. I also remember starting to think about patching clothes rather than just throwing them out & buying new ones, but that was after I had a job. I also miss the sea and will read bad books just to get a taste of it (& look at photographs of flowers to see them again). I understand the idea of writing to a younger self very well. You want to give very good advice to your younger self, too. "I never will" is a good motto. Your hopes for your friends & their inclusion in the poem adds a heart-warming touch.

2. If I should take out the first stanza.

I don't believe that you should. The first stanza is what caught my eye when you submitted this poem to :icontower-artists: and what made me interested enough to read the poem & then go on to critique it & fave it. It is an unusual first stanza & in this time of poetry that is very similar, any unusual, interesting lines stand out. I admit that I love to read about everyday, ordinary things, so the bits about junk mail & selling jewellery are something that I greatly enjoyed.

3. If you like the ending as it is.

I have no problems at all with the ending. The last verse includes your mother at the age of sixty, looking at photographs of herself at the age of nineteen, and the look in her eyes - nostalgic and perhaps wanting to have lived life differently - and it works very well. I like the last three lines too - they provide a nice wrap-up to the poem, and leave me with the feeling that of course your time of being twenty is too short, but at the same time, these lines are ambiguous. They could be taken to mean that your life is too short for all the things that you wnat to do, or that you will not live long, or that "your" time ie your prime time, will be over before you want it to. I like these ideas.

It's nice to see somebody who might conceivably be twenty years old, writing about these things after having thought of them. It's usually the province of older writers, and it's very good to see in somebody who is (probably?) really twenty y/o. The fact that I - at 51 y/o - can identify with this poem, tells me that you've written a good, strong poem.

Your grammar and spelling is excellent.

Full marks for Vision.
Full marks for Originality, because even though the subject is not original, writing it from the vantage point of 20 years of age (and getting it right) is.
Full marks for Technique.
Impact - I'm a bit unsure about what to give here. I enjoyed the poem a great deal. Is enjoyment an "impact"? I think that it is. I don't enjoy very much modern poetry, so I'm going to give you full marks with that too.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading a good poem!!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
39 out of 40 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconalp:
Alp Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconclapplz:
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014  Student Writer
Thank'ee
Reply
:icongresskar:
Gresskar Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
For one who often has a hard time both reading and understanding poetry, there's poems like this which I just love for their simple wording and message. I think many people can relate to this, me included. Definitly worth a fav :+fav:
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013   Writer
I feel like you took everything I've been feeling and transformed it into words.

I'm about to turn twenty-one.  I've been feeling like this a lot over the last year.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013  Student Writer
I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, it's pretty shitty. :/ But I'm glad you could identify with the poem.
Reply
:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013   Writer
That it is.  But such is life, I suppose.  :)
Reply
:iconmorfinwen:
Morfinwen Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013
I'm 25 and sometimes it seems like my life is already over. I hate to think how i'll feel when i'm 30. Nice to know i'm not the only one who feels like this.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Student Writer
Hey, it's not over until it's over, you know? You still have a chance to change the way you feel about your life.
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow. It's very rhythmic, and the simple words and phrasing keeps the poem together. :hug:
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconblacksand459:
Blacksand459 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this poem!!! Well done. I congratulate you on a well-deserved DD! :clap:

I think section poems are cool, too. :)
Reply
:icondibs-new-beginnings:
Dibs-New-Beginnings Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
These are out of order, oops!

1. I like the first stanza. It gave me a mental image of the narrator. The other three stanzas are more introspective thoughts of the narrator; the first stanza is the only one that gives you a clue of what the person looks like:

and the holes in my pants
seem more patchable
and I wonder just how much
my sparse jewelry would fetch


I think that's important for the reader to understand the position--almost to say class and perspective-- of the narrator, so the thoughts and reasoning of the narrator can be taken as they are meant to be.

2. I'm not sure if I'm grasping the intended theme, but the stanzas feel like they naturally match together for me. I see the longing, the aging, the sense of being more mature, growing up. Its a very relatable feeling especially to people who are just coming into their own. From the comments sections I can see that you've reached an audience that most relates to this, (18-26ish~) and I think this poem fits well with most people's thoughts at that age.

3. I do like the ending, it leaves with a resounding note, the last, most important thought feels like it's still floating in the air even though you've finished reading.

Last thing, grats on the DD!
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
Awesome, that's really what I wanted the first stanza to do, give a more personal picture of the speaker, and where they are in their life, economically as well as mentally and emotionally, because I think that changes the perspective on aging, longing, etc.

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on this! It really means a lot to me :)
Reply
:icondibs-new-beginnings:
Dibs-New-Beginnings Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
No problem! I try to comment on most of the works I enjoy, just because I assume most authors appreciate more specific feedback other than "Good," or "I like it." lol.

It definitely adds to the narrator that we know they are poorer; He/she feels like they have so much yet to do, but we can assume that they are unable due to their current financial situation.

Again, great job. :)
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Ohhh, we really do. ;) It's refreshing to hear why people like your work, and what they like about it, or what could be improved, etc.

Again, thank you :)
Reply
:iconemilwicz:
Emilwicz Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The first stanza is my favourite if you got rid of it I would just... I don't know, please don't get rid of the first one.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
Haha, I don't believe I will be.
Reply
:iconoblights:
Oblights Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I related so much with the ending. Just turned twenty myself.

Don't change it...
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
Shan't. :)
Reply
:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
Beautiful work, congrats on the DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you! :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013   General Artist
this sure tugged on my heartstrings! congratulations on the DD! :heart:
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks so much :)
Reply
:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner May 1, 2013   General Artist
Most welcome, sugar! :glomp:
Reply
:iconladyelka:
LadyElka Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013   Traditional Artist
This is a very interesting poem. Maybe I just find it relevant because I just turned 20, but I like it.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
I'm glad you find this work relevant to your life :)
Reply
:iconkeidream:
keidream Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
I like the first stanza and the whole poem! I really enjoyed this. :heart:
I wish you'd change the title, though - it sums up the message of the poem, so the reader doesn't get to figure it out for his or herself. I think it's nice to mention that you're only twenty in the title, though. It influenced how I read the poem.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
I'm absolutely shite with titles, so I really appreciate that suggestion. I definitely want to keep the age in there.
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconbatmanwithbunnyears:
BatmanWithBunnyEars Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013   General Artist
Strangely, I started worrying about old age and death early in life, too. It's one of the drawbacks of being the type of person who thinks a lot and seldom lives in the moment.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
It does seem like a drawback, but I like to think it forces me to appreciate life more as well :)
Reply
:iconzhenyue:
zhenyue Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
Very many things about this poem speak to me. You capture a lot of tiny nuances about age 20 that most others would not have known about. I like it very much as it is and think you made brilliant decisions regarding the title, structure, and ending. Congratulations on a DD well deserved, and thank you.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Well, I try to write honestly and specifically about things that happen to me. I guess that's where the nuances come from. Thank you very much for the comment and congratulations. :]
Reply
:icontinacaper:
TinaCaper Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
well done! I think back now ( about 9 years) and 20 was a really big year of change for me. I know many people who think " i'm told 20's are the best years of my life, really?"
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Same for me, it's my first hear of rentor-ship and living completely away from my hometown and family. It's made me appreciate my parents (and my hometown) a lot more. :) I have yet to find out whether the 20s are the best.
Reply
:icontinacaper:
TinaCaper Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Just make sure to enjoy them, missed out on the first 5 by worrying to much
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks for the advice, will definitely try my best :)
Reply
:icontinacaper:
TinaCaper Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
:)
Reply
:iconvelvetfish:
VelvetFish Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Student Filmographer
lol i'm turning 20 years old today.

this poem feels very relevant.

grats on the DD.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
Happy birthday! Belatedly.

Thank you :)
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:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
Life is strange, isn't it? A few years ago I didn't care about poetry, but now I write poems myself.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
That seems to be the way of it for many people :)
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
We grow older, we get more mature and we find ways to express what's going on in our minds. It's the human nature.
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013  Student Writer
Ideally, yes.
Reply
:iconghostoftheemptygrave:
Well, at least that's how it went for me. But I realize I'm an exception.
Reply
:iconthesawyer:
Thesawyer Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013
in some days.. i will have twenty, and that makes me afraid, but the people doesnt understand that, the life is becoming simple, and all that beautiful mysteries are dissapearing... i have to do something but i dont know what..
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2013  Student Writer
Happy early birthday! I don't think the mysteries are disappearing...perhaps just becoming more difficult to find. If you look, and allow yourself to be touched by them, you can still find them.
Reply
:iconthegalleryofeve:
TheGalleryOfEve Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Congratulations on your well-deserved DD!!! :iconflyingheartsplz::iconlainloveplz: :iconflyingheartsplz: :clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013  Student Writer
:D Thanks!
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