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:iconoracle-of-nonsense: More from oracle-of-nonsense


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Literature by Sutathewolf

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Poetry by Hana510


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Submitted on
September 20, 2012
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i.
Coupons and sales magazines
have become more than just junk mail
and the holes in my pants
seem more patchable
and I wonder just how much
my sparse jewelry would fetch
if I said I saw the face of Jesus
in the glimmer of my pearls.

ii.
I am beginning to miss the sea I grew up on
so much that I will read bad poetry
just for the mention of a salty ocean breeze.
I feel landlocked and sometimes I'm afraid
that I will never see the world
until I have retired from it.

iii.
Faith says her life is full of asking.
I wish mine were full of answers,
but I too have many questions
and only Time will answer them for me.

iv.
My mother just turned sixty
and her eyes when she looks at herself
in pictures from the '70s
makes me realize
that my time, however long,
is short.
I almost apologize for my new-found love for section poems, but not quite. The title is not very good, and I'm sorry, but it's a shortened version of what was the end line, which I decided was too obvious to be in the poem, and, you know, a title is all the narrative structure a poem needs and such, so there. I am, however, open to suggestions. :)

Let me know if...
1. You understand how each bit fits with the over-arching theme, and what the over-arching theme is
2. If I should take out the first stanza
3. If you like the ending as it is.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-04-20
Twenty: I'm afraid I'm growing old by ~oracle-of-nonsense is relevant to anybody turning two decades old and feeling the brunt of a dose of reality. As the suggester says: I love the closing line on this piece. It's haunting and keeps me coming back to read it over and over again. ( Suggested by SilverInkblot and Featured by Nichrysalis )
:icondarkallegiance666:
I like writing critiques on either poems that I really like - in which case they don't need a critique, or on poems that I think are worthwhile but need some work, and also on poems that I disagree with. Yours, unfortunately, falls into the first category.

I really like this poem. Twenty certainly seems far too young to be thinking about these things & feeling in the way that the poet sets out, but all these emotions are true and real, and they read as very honest writing. I love honest writing.

Perhaps I'll just stick to answering the three questions that you asked, and if you don't like that, you can always deny the critique!! :D

1. You understand how each bit fits with the over-arching theme, and what the over-arching theme is.

Yes, I do. You also provide imaginative solutions to problems which you may not yet be facing, like selling your jewellery (I'm Australian & we spell "jewelry" different), if you create bizarre stories for each piece. You also remind me of a time when junk mail started to mean something, although junk mail was barely invented when I was a teenager. I also remember starting to think about patching clothes rather than just throwing them out & buying new ones, but that was after I had a job. I also miss the sea and will read bad books just to get a taste of it (& look at photographs of flowers to see them again). I understand the idea of writing to a younger self very well. You want to give very good advice to your younger self, too. "I never will" is a good motto. Your hopes for your friends & their inclusion in the poem adds a heart-warming touch.

2. If I should take out the first stanza.

I don't believe that you should. The first stanza is what caught my eye when you submitted this poem to :icontower-artists: and what made me interested enough to read the poem & then go on to critique it & fave it. It is an unusual first stanza & in this time of poetry that is very similar, any unusual, interesting lines stand out. I admit that I love to read about everyday, ordinary things, so the bits about junk mail & selling jewellery are something that I greatly enjoyed.

3. If you like the ending as it is.

I have no problems at all with the ending. The last verse includes your mother at the age of sixty, looking at photographs of herself at the age of nineteen, and the look in her eyes - nostalgic and perhaps wanting to have lived life differently - and it works very well. I like the last three lines too - they provide a nice wrap-up to the poem, and leave me with the feeling that of course your time of being twenty is too short, but at the same time, these lines are ambiguous. They could be taken to mean that your life is too short for all the things that you wnat to do, or that you will not live long, or that "your" time ie your prime time, will be over before you want it to. I like these ideas.

It's nice to see somebody who might conceivably be twenty years old, writing about these things after having thought of them. It's usually the province of older writers, and it's very good to see in somebody who is (probably?) really twenty y/o. The fact that I - at 51 y/o - can identify with this poem, tells me that you've written a good, strong poem.

Your grammar and spelling is excellent.

Full marks for Vision.
Full marks for Originality, because even though the subject is not original, writing it from the vantage point of 20 years of age (and getting it right) is.
Full marks for Technique.
Impact - I'm a bit unsure about what to give here. I enjoyed the poem a great deal. Is enjoyment an "impact"? I think that it is. I don't enjoy very much modern poetry, so I'm going to give you full marks with that too.

Thank you for the pleasure of reading a good poem!!
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:iconalp:
Alp Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:iconclapplz:
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:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014  Student Writer
Thank'ee
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:icongresskar:
Gresskar Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
For one who often has a hard time both reading and understanding poetry, there's poems like this which I just love for their simple wording and message. I think many people can relate to this, me included. Definitly worth a fav :+fav:
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:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2013  Student Writer
Thank you so much :)
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:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2013   Writer
I feel like you took everything I've been feeling and transformed it into words.

I'm about to turn twenty-one.  I've been feeling like this a lot over the last year.
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:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2013  Student Writer
I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, it's pretty shitty. :/ But I'm glad you could identify with the poem.
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:iconsurrealcachinnation:
SurrealCachinnation Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2013   Writer
That it is.  But such is life, I suppose.  :)
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:iconmorfinwen:
Morfinwen Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2013
I'm 25 and sometimes it seems like my life is already over. I hate to think how i'll feel when i'm 30. Nice to know i'm not the only one who feels like this.
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:iconoracle-of-nonsense:
oracle-of-nonsense Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2013  Student Writer
Hey, it's not over until it's over, you know? You still have a chance to change the way you feel about your life.
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:iconkarinta:
Karinta Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student General Artist
Wow. It's very rhythmic, and the simple words and phrasing keeps the poem together. :hug:
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